Dear World, this is my life...

I love you.

I know how scary these words are because they mean so much. Yet I don’t feel like they express nearly how much you mean to me.

I love you.

It is crazy how powerful these words sound and how weak they make us feel. Fortunately it is a weakness we all give in happily.

In my life I have made mistakes; I have a blurry past I’m longing to forget. And you don’t want to know anything about it. You said, “What’s past is past but we are right now and a little bit in the future as well.” I replied by kissing you.

I didn’t expect it to become this way. I didn’t expect myself being completely overwhelmed by the feeling of being valued and appreciated and loved like this. For the first time in my life I believe that I matter, that I belong where I am, that I do the right things. And all this because of you. It requires no further proof that you’re making me a better person. What you see these days is the best version of me I have ever been. And it feels amazing.

Possibly I already said all these things before, please excuse me, but I won’t stop repeating them as long as they are true. Otherwise I’d feel like I was lying, which I cannot do to you.

If someday I’m at a loss for words maybe I will show you this blog. Would you like that? I think you’d do. Until then I will continue to tell you all these things face to face. Because I love to see the look upon your face when I do and how you always say, “You’re the cutest”, and then we kiss. It’s like a breeze of fresh air, like something I need to survive.

So I will never stop.

I really believed it was too much for me to take, too great a weight for me to carry all by myself. And since I told you I’m going to leave it doesn’t really hurt less but it feels like I could bear it.

One week ago after we went to bed I had to ask you. You were my little spoon and I whispered in your ear, “We are going to make it, aren’t we?”, and after a moment you turned your head and said nodding, “Yes, darling. Of course we will.”, and that’s when I first came to rest.

I feel so much more at ease since then. I don’t know why I needed you to confirm that or why I felt relieved when your parents expressed their support and their belief in us. I just did. I guess that’s natural.

And then I started to make plans for us. How I would come home now and then and we would meet at least once in Paris. We would check into a nice hotel (not leave the room for a whole day), walk along the Champs-Élysées and go on top of the Eiffel Tower. And I said, “Who knows what’s going to happen on that Eiffel Tower”, and you smiled and probably thought me to be silly.

I don’t know where these kind of thoughts are suddenly coming from. For as long as I can remember I never wanted to get married (although I used to think of men back then) and I never ever in my whole life wanted kids. But now that I have fallen in love it all seems a little bit different. I still don’t want kids of my own, but I do no longer reject the thought of having one with my partner (who would have to give birth to the child). In fact, didn’t we talk about names for an imaginary child just yesterday? ;) And this idea about marriage, well, at some point I came to the conclusion that it would probably be really nice to have someone who confides in and loves you so much they want to share the rest of their life with you. Damn, I will always be a somehow naive romantic…

It’s not that I want to marry you, I mean, definately not now because we are much too young. It’s just that what we have seems so perfect to me and you make me feel incredibly special and loved. I don’t know what I would do without you and we only know each other for five months! You changed my life and you give me strength and you make me feel so much I can’t even put into words! I have all these happy feelings inside and sometimes I feel like I’m about to explode when I look into your eyes!

I’m not sure what will become of all this when I leave. It still scares me to think about it, which is the reason why I stopped thinking about it. I want to enjoy the remaining months with you. I want to make the best of it.

But I find it very interesting that I didn’t hesitate for a second considering leaving my family and friends behind. It’s only about you. You make this so goddamn hard.

Then again I wouldn’t want it any other way. Because I love you and it feels good.

I don’t know anything anymore.

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do.

It’s killing me.

I always wanted to find happiness. Now I’ve found it. And I’m about to leave it behind. This doesn’t make any sense! Once more I will be following my head instead of my heart. I don’t know what is wrong and what is right anymore.

I wish it wouldn’t hurt that much. But it does. And it is pulling me down into some kind of depression again. It’s not fair! I left all that behind and I don’t want to go there again. But what can I do?

I can literally feel my heart breaking. Where does all the happiness go?

I feel I’m losing control once more. And I hate it. It is not okay.

I’m also feeling alone. Even in a crowd of people. Why the hell is that?! Where does that come from? I want it to go away!

And probably the worst part is that you don’t even know about all this. You have no idea what’s going on with me. You can’t even see it. And I can’t tell you.

You’re supposed to be my shelter from the storm, the one person I could turn to with everthing that’s on my mind. But you’re my girlfriend and I can’t. I can’t screw this up.

I don’t know what to do to make all this shit go away and keep just the good stuff. I already got used to living without any bad stuff and this chaos right now is really screwing with me.

I would like you to know I am not okay, but at the same time I’m afraid you will stop loving me if you knew all this. I don’t want to be defined by my past. But somehow I am.

I am not okay. And I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And there’s nobody who could possibly help me. Great…

Your love in my heart. Your touch on my skin. Your face on my wall. You’re all around me. You’re inside of me. I am all yours. I AM YOURS.

I can’t speak. Your presence takes my breath away. Even though you’re far away. I can feel you here with me.

You make me cry. Because I have never been this happy in my whole life. I can’t hold these tears back anymore.

I’m feeling save with you by my side, somehow watching over me. I’m pretty sure there won’t be any nightmares tonight. Good night, my love.

Note to self:

Look, I know you’re struggling right now. It was your Plan A, your wish to go to France this fall. And then there is her, your girlfriend whom you love very dearly because she is a really amazing person. I get that. But as we know you can’t have both. You either go to France, embrace the uncertain and leave your love behind or stay here to be with her and all your friends. I know you are afraid. You’ve always been shit-scared of the great unknown and yet at the same time it gave you hope. It gave you space to dream. And now’s your opportunity to fulfill one of those dreams. I know it hurts. Everyone can see how happy you are when you’re with your girlfriend, how happy you two make each other. No one would like to lose something like that. Especially when they’re the one to make that decision. But if your love is as strong as it seems, why don’t you just try to make it work? All I know is that going abroad is the first step into the right direction, the first step on the way to fulfilling the dream of your life. And yes, life is uncertain most of the time but you have to take the risk! I know for a fact that you want to live your life to the fullest, so I guess when you are 80 or something you don’t want to look back on your life thinking “Damn, I really should have grown the guts to make that move! Now I’ll never know what it would be like to experience that! What the hell did hold me back from doing what I would have loved to do? Was it really worth it?” You see what I mean? You don’t want to end up like this! You have to be brave, honey! And most importantly you have to believe in yourself! Always believe in yourself and in your dreams and be sure that both matters. This is your story. This is what you will be telling your children and grandchildren. So tell me who you want to be when you get old! You need this. You need this for yourself. You need to prove to yourself that you can do it. That it is the right thing to do. If you don’t do it now… when will you do it?! Ever? EVER?!? I know you’re in a very painful possition right now but promise me to remember all that when you finally decide. It will give you the courage you need to choose what is right for you.