I don’t want to have these feelings for you!!! I hate the fact that I fell in love with you 28 months ago and that you were my first! It seems like I will never be able to forget you, never get over you completely. You never gave me a chance. And if I could turn back time I would be brave enough to just take a chance myself. I know I would. Because I want you so bad. I will always want you. Because I want to show you that it’s not wrong and not bad to be with another woman. I want to show you that I could make you happy. Because I know I could. My girlfriend can approve that. My girlfriend… I love her so much. I really do. But I just can’t get you off my mind, especially since I’m not with her but all alone in France for a year. And I had a dream about you once again which brought so many old feelings back, feelings I am not supposed to have anymore. As long as I keep all this to myself it won’t do any harm. I can’t let my past destroy my present. I cannot let this happen.
Even though you hurt me more than anyone else ever did… I will always sort of love you. And this kills me. If only you had done something else back then… Or I had made a different move… If you gave me a second chance I would want to take it. And I am not proud of that. This is so fucked up…
One week left. Going crazy.
Who would have known it would be this hard? I never expected it to be easy but I didn’t think it would hurt so damn much. Time flies. And I do not even get the chance to enjoy my last days with you because all I think about is, “I’m leaving”, and, “there is not enough time left”. These thoughts are so painful. They are tearing me apart. And I can’t help it but cry. I hate to cry in front of you but what I can’t stand the most is when you are crying. These days you are crying because of me. And it kills me.
I try to tell you to see it from a different point of view. Do not think, “so this is goodbye for a year”, but, “four months and I’ll be back in town”, even if it’s just for a couple of days. I was hoping it would be easier to bear if we didn’t think in years but in months or weeks even, because they sound less threatening. I’m still waiting for it to work.
How is it possible that love causes so much pain? That sounds wrong and not fair at all. Maybe I’m blaming the wrong thing though. I guess it’s actually the upcoming distance and loneliness that we will experience during those months that leave us struggling. I wish I knew how to make it go away. Someone once said there is no sense in trying to fight these feelings because fighing it gets us nowhere and only makes us numb. The only way is to work through these feelings because understanding them helps us deal with them. The thing is, I do understand my feelings, at least I think I do, so now I should be able to cope with them, right? Well, what a surprise: I am not. What the hell do I do?!
A few nights ago I asked you what it is you are afraid of. “I’m afraid we’re not going to make it”, you said. Ironically I thought that was kind of funny because I am the one who never believed in long-distance relationships and is willing to give it a go now and believes that it could actually work out for us. And now you have doubts. But that’s okay, I get it. I didn’t even tell you about my fears. Why? You know, half a year ago I told a friend of mine that it was my biggest fear to come back after this year abroad as a different kind of person so you would not be able to keep loving me because of the way I would have changed by then. That’s what I was most afraid of. But if you had asked me a few nights ago I would have said, “I fear nothing.” I am no longer afraid of coming back and I am not afraid that our relationship could fail. Because I don’t believe in neither of them. I don’t know what experiences I will make out there and I’m sure they will influence me in some way but I don’t think I’ll come home as a complete different person. And if you really stopped loving me then I’d do everything possible to make you love me again, because I will love you still. The way I see it, life won’t even get the chance to break us up because I love you so much it will not fade away that easily. And I truely believe you feel the same way about me. So what is there left to be afraid of?! Nothing.
Even though it is hard to believe right now, I promise you that we will be okay, we will be fine and happy and in love with each other. This is what I want you to know. I will be there and I will not give up, come whatever may.
I just found out you are leaving the country just like me.
Only you are going to study in Spain and I am going to study in France.
I’m going to do exactly what I told you I would do when I was in love with you. But I don’t do it for you anymore.
I hope you will be happy in Spain, I bet you will.
The sad thing is, although I really mean that, I will never be able to see you so happy with someone else. I still wish you would have picked me back then, even if that had been a bad idea. If it hadn’t worked out at least I knew today. But we will never find out and the what-ifs are terrorizing me. And as much as I hate to admit that I just can’t help it.
Things should have been different. I guess I never should have fallen for you in the first place. Shit happens.
Why do you keep hunting me? Please stay out of my dreams, okay? I don’t know why but it hurts when you’re in them, it hurts to wake up and remember those feelings and realize that they are still there. They can’t be real! That wouldn’t make sense! Why do I still feel the need to impress you, like I want to show you the best of me so you could finally see what you are missing out on. I don’t need you! I have everything I want and I am happy! So what is this all about?!
Say “I do.”
I wish the world was simplier. Well, it might be simple but then I wish we wouldn’t always make it look so difficult. Let me explain myself.
I would like to discover the world with you. I’d like to go to places we’ve never been, see things we’ve never seen, do things we’ve never done before. And if that’s not possible because we do not have the money to make all these experiences I’d like to be able to take a different, easier point of view. Let’s discover our city. Let’s walk through every park and take the busses to their final destinations. Let’s not choose the straightest way home and turn into streets with funny names. Let’s go to museums and art galleries, watch the people there enjoy themselves and imagine how their lives might be. Let’s go to a furniture store and furnish our first imaginary apartment together. Let’s get up crazy early in the morning to watch the sunrise from the roof of a high building. Or let’s not go to sleep at all.
We might not have the means to make all those huge dreams come true (yet). But it takes so little to create some smaller miracles that are no less enjoyable. I wish we would not forget that most of the time.
This shall serve as a reminder to myself. If one day you’ll be reading this I want you to be able to think back to the days we did something special like this. Time is running out, we have only 2 months left until I leave. And I do not want anything more than make this time worthwhile.